dont really have a title..

- Being the kind of communicative person I am , which most people I know would agree to , it feels strange that I cudnt think of a title for this blog ..may be it is one of those days , when u mind seems to blank out .. I am not saying but it could be wine ..from a California vine .. waah waah ..yeh to cheap type ka shayri ho gyaa .. but I guess titles restrict u and ur thot process .. so when you start writing without one ,it opens up the whole universe to contemplate and think about .. while if u have a title , you cannot move away from it ... cause that wud be absurd .. .. So with a vast domain and some wine in my system , what could I possibly think of . .to start of with , possibly more alchohol.. .thats the first thot you have when u have some . .but thats out of question , with meher , I just cant afford to have a hang over , cause she doesn't have one and unless we are on the same page , life can get pretty tough .. which moves me to the second thot , some tv , which I am already up to date with , meaning all episodes that are recorded and have to b watched are watched .. which gets you to the 3rd option , some chit chat .. that's when I realise K2 is already sleeping for a while .. and so is Meher, for a change .. then I think about cleaning the house , have one look at the mess and drop the idea .. which gets to this option , clearing the virtual mess from your mind . .the clutter that thots create when you cant get them out .. and my mind seems to be working overtime today ...how do we define a happy life ,I guess one part of u defines it in terms of everything you wanted and got and the second part , one really hidden and obscure part , might say it is something you dont even realize , so cant want . .and when the second part comes across strongly , the restlessness increases ...cause you just have to find out .. I cant really pinpoint the reason but there are some people , I have always been obsessed about , I mean I just need to know whats going on with them. .and K2 would get worried about it , but he realised it in time and it wasn't gender specific . .so it has to be more of a trait than anything else ..does that make se psychotic , i guess some ppl might think that way , but I have weighed every aspect of it , and every single time ,the conclusion is simple .. they are people who have really touched your life ..and maybe moved on .. and it does not necessarily have any romantic strings attached ..it could just be anyone ..who has made a impact , strong enuf for you think and rethink about it .. like one english teacher I used to have in the 8th grade, he taught us for just a year , I guess 20 yrs back and I have still wondered ...where he is , or what he is up to .. was that a crush , I wudn't think so .. cause what I remember are things he said , not who he was or how he looked ..and I think that's what stays , in the impressionable mind. ..wud he have ever wondered abot me , or what I was up to in life , hell NO .. he wudnt even recognize me , but that doesn't deter me .. now this brings me to the real crushes in life , wudnt really think of it but I had a heart to heart conversation with a friend and she brought up the topic and that got me thinking .. Haven;t really mentioned , but the first crush ( beleive it or not ) was on a guy when I was in standard 2 ( small even by my standards ) but I liked his pencil box .. and wanted to be his friend for that .. well I moved on from there to a guy in the 5th standard who sat with me but wanted to sit with some other girl and broke my pencil a million times ..why , cause he was good at spray painting .. that died not long after it was conceived , and moved on further .. no crushes for a long time . .which is weird cause now ..other people seemed to find me interesting . .the next big crush was I guess , in the 10th standard ,when I had this crush on a guy who had a crush on our senior and we were all a happy family together playing TT in the gameroom , it was a happy arrangement , he used to be happy looking at my senior who used to play with me and I used to be happy looking at him and no one was getting hurt .. it was a typical win win .. solution .. .. and had another crush .. this time on the most ineligible bachelor ( in the vast pool available) at the time .. no respect for girls or teachers or studies ..and he had like the best smile in the world .. and thats when it started hurting . .over and over again .. and thats when I grew up to realise , this wasn't the fun stuff it seemed to be .. but then I hardly had any control like every one else on what you like when u r 15 .. and whatever it is , it consumes u and u r whole life . The absurd part is when I see the same guy 10 years down the line , all I wonder is why him .. was I crazy .. maybe , but it was what it was .. a part of life I cant disown and guess something that wud have helped me , shaped me in some way.. so if I go back to my fundas , he was like a part of the big plan . .in my life and I had things t o learn along the way .. and he might just have been a zariyaa .. (Cant find the right english word) - well life moved and it was the end of crush time .. for a long long time .. and gets me to the latest and lasting crush .. now this one has to be anonymous , just cause of the kind of reach internet has .. these days ..and you never know who knows whom;-)) , some of my friends can definitely take a guess , it was a group crush .. but still a real one .. .. Dont know where I started and how I got to this .. guess some days ..some people..somewhere make you think of them.. (next karan johar .catch line);-))

Back to ..

Ever wondered why some people seem to have a strange place in your life , even when have not been in touch for ages ..its like they are there , , in u r thots , in u r mind , maybe the back of it . .you might try and move away but they stay .. not matter what .. its not them but you who holds on or maybe they do too .. Anything which has this lingering memory would have been great at some time .. ..

I guess , one of the best parameters of judging how close u r too ppl is the time you meet them and how much it takes you to let them know what ur biggest problems are .. or how comfortably you can ask the most uncomfortable questions ..without thinking about them .. or worrying about sounding weird ..

In this day and age ,when just getting through the day is a chore for most people with family careers and a innately busy life , if to know you have a connection with people ,okay some people , u r lucky even if you can count 2 .. even if it is not expressed through frequent phone calls or mails or messages .. just the thot is good enuf . ..cause that's what matters ..

Thinking is all it takes ..

Life's changed ..

I have been trying to get back to writing for a real long time now , have some excuses up my sleeve but I sure could have done better .. The biggest thing in life these days is ofcourse ,my daughter Meher . .She is like a 24 by 7 job that I have, and unlike most jobs I have held so far this is the one I look forward to every single day.. I love her smile, I look forward to her waking up .. I do hate not being able to sleep thru the night for as long as I can remember but all in all, it is the best experience in life so far...I have never seen anyone so devoted and so into something, when she looks at me ..that is all she is concerned about ...The word might be interested in a million things at one time but for her it is single thought that occupies her.. If you give ur hand , she will grab a finger , you are only familiar thing , in the big world she is trying to get familiar with.. you know why God made kids so cute .. So that you dont lose it all when u r sleepy and it is 3 AM and you have work to do the next day and she insists on lookng at u and smiling.. and doing just that for hours... This is all life is about right now and I am so glad things are this way ..

Hard work never killed anybody,...but why take a chance

Some quotes stay with you for life. .some on a good note and some on a very bad one .. when I hear of this one .. "from any where any time or read it on the signature or on some random musings , anywhere on the internet .. it gives me a creepy feeling every single time .. its like it gets deep within my skin and shakes it from inside .. this is something a friend of mine used to have on her cupboard wall .when she was alive .. and we never figured out what killed her , but she was just gone , one fine day .. without any notice . All of 18 yrs .. that's it , doctors' said it was some brain fever ,but i had met her a day earlier and she wasn't sick , even if she was she didn't look it .. not even a bit. That was the tough part , the unexpected , i have never been able to see her as anything but looking healthy and glowing and have thot of her everytime since that horrendous day .. on one account or the other ..wondering if there was something someone could have done , it just looked like a one sided fight ...there was no resistance , she just went away ..

i dont know why i got here today , i never talk to anyone but myself abot this most of the time and for reason today was different ... I have always been enamoured by the complexity of life and what happens next .. I cant believe , eveything just ends one day ,it has to go somewhere , but guess its something very vague , science doesnt know and unless it does , we dont have proof ..but i still strongly feel that there is something beyond all of this . .which we are not aware of .. or maybe it is just wishful thinking to hold on to people we have all lost along the way ...

and i wont say only people , I would say this holds for all close associations . .when my dog was dying , I had a feeling it knew , it was time for him to go ..every single thing he did that day was strange .. something he never would.. I mean he always liked being inside the house . .but on that particular day, he just wasnt coming in . .just trying to be out of the house ..and ofcourse , being very gentle , afar cry from his ferocious self .. we all knew something was terribly wrong .a.nd he has stayed with me and i guess .. everyone in the famliy .. .it must be atleast 10 yrs since this .. or maybe more , but everytime i go home , i atleast look at the place he used to be all the time , almost as if he would still be there . ..just for a instant second ..and then life moves on ..

its a sad thing to think about in the morning , but i guess , u cant help it . .maybe it was a dream that trigeered this thot process .. or something else . . .but this is all i cud think of today . .

Some really great shayari . .not mine . .but someone very close ..

tere didar ko yun taras gaye hum .....ki maikhane ko sarakhon pe bitha liya........jab poocha saki ne mere intezaar ka sabab....ruk ruk ke aaya tera naam mere hothon pe yun...ki mehfil ne humko deewana samajh liya

jab badi ibadat se liya tera naam mehfil me humne....kuch ne kaha asshiq hai...kuch ne kaha deewana hai....ye sun hua mehsoos....nashe me sirf hum hi nahi....nashe me saara zamana hai...

jab poocha tere padosi ne mujhse....ai kafir ye kiski parastish karta hai tu.... .bina kisi taqwaa .tum hi ko apna khuda bana aaye hum .

Yeh to internet se hai . .but still great ..

Bahut khusnuma kal ki raat guzri, kuch tanha par kuch khaas guzri...na neend aayi na khwaab koi... bas aapke hi khayalon ke saath guzri

changes ..

Life has been changing ..slowly but surely , one step at a time .. the steps are so small that you dont realise the difference immediately but u do when you stop for a while and look back at the distance you covered ..like i have mentioned before , change happens whether you want it or not , whether you like it ..or ignore it .. you might not realise it everyday you see urself in the mirror but u do realise it when ur picture from a year back .. when u see new life coming in the family , my brother had a daughter and i could almost see back the time when we were all kids .. its dificult to fathom , we have moved so far , literally and figuratively .. far from the land we were born , far from the self we recognised as our own , far even from the people we care about .. and the crazy thing distance does , as it increases the images become fainter and fainter when u finally reach a point ,where you are no longer able to see anything. .not even a faint dot .. Its a scary thot , to keep losing sight ... days are going by as if there is no brake on . .just flowing , you dont even get to realise the importance of today in this rather mechanical busy life .. .the flow somehow only slowing for a weekend to some extent . Sometimes I wonder if this is all I want , or if i want something else . .i cant point out . There is no problem i can see in life , we are doing good ..we are happy .. still is life complete if there are no issues in it . .or do you need something else .. .i have somehow felt a lot of people around feel the same way , but nooone accepts it .. people have created a false sense of happiness and well being .. sometimes i debate if it is cause we are not in india .. but i guess , it wasnt much different when we were .. .it was just that u r more involved in small things there to give this a thot , and this place somehow gives you a lot of time .

Bomb blasts again;-((( ..Can't really get a hang of what makes a person . want to kill someone they don;t even know .. haven't ever met ..a person who ould not have had a effect on thier life , ever .. not even a bit ..just why .. How does a kid born with such innocence become a person so frightful , who kills without reason ..for what they say is religion .. God in any dialect or form cant ask you to kill , cause if he did , he wont be God. ... He is the creator .. in every sense of the word.. I might be sounding too religious today , but the sense of helpless ness creates such a massive vacuum in mind sometimes , that you really cant understand what else to fall back to .. I mean , a country which has way more issues of its own than it can handle ,right from polulation to infrastructure to floods .. doesn;t need just anything else . ..we have enuf people dying , all the time .. Serial blasts have become something like a soap opera , that happens at the same time every week with the same story , only the weekd change to months ...sometimes not even that ...One group of people who I really hate in this scenario is the politicians fighting on TV .. .even in cases of such national disaster , you just start questioning , if there is any amount of humanity left .. anywhere .. There is a group of people ... killing people senselessly , and there is a group who should fight it , thats what they are elected and paid to do . but all they do is , use the killings to get political mileage .. they are worse killers , cause noone chooses , who plants the bombs , but the ones .. using the bombs for personal gratification are chosen by us .. .
When I say chosen , I don't even believe they are chosen , there is nothing to choose from . .all the options are equally bad ..and if a few educated people can choose, how do we expect a person who doesn't have the surity of even food next day to make a informed political choice .. he just is not in a position to . ..there is a very old hindi saying , i don;t remember the poet .. .but it conveys the meaning right . .it went something like .. .Kshama shovti uss bujang ko , jiske paas garal ho. .ussi kyaa jo visheen ..vineet saral ho .. .basically what this means is .. any semblance of forgiveness suits someone who is powerful enuf to forgive someone , who can destroy but chooses not to .. and lets go . .not to someone ..who doesn't have that power .. . basically , you can make decisions when you can take ur responsibilty . .when i dont have food to eat , i will vote for anyone who offers me 500 rs cause that atleast gets me food for sometime .. Unless the masses are empowered to the basic level , it impossible to get good leaders .. All in all , things seem pretty bleak and thats what turns me to some powers which are greater than all of us . .even though it was a paradox to see .. .ganpati visharjan and millions of people on the street . .all still un afraid .. .to gather and do what they believe in . ..bombs or no bombs .. .guess there is still something that refuses to die. .some ray of hope that keeps on glowing ...some never say die attitude that makes you believe , tables will turn for this nation .. and i live to see that day ..

resurgence

This post is cause of a very specific reason . .one of my friends has . .named my blog deadspirit from free spirit , i believe the obvious reason being the inactivity . .



I wont make any excuses here , guess I was plain lazy not to pen down the thots that inhabit my mind , even though they stay for a while ..



There is so much that i need to write about , that i really dont know where to start ..



first things first , abhinav bindra made us proud , and at the same time made me think why do we , being only the second in terms of number of people , have to celebrate the lone gold.. Is it facilities , i believe it is more of attitude .. . cause you can run on the road , if u dont have track fields and still practice .. .when i say attitude , it is not a individual thing but something the whole country believes in , atleast 99% , my parents never told me, be a sportsman , they ofcourse mentioned a engineer or a doctor a billion times if not more , and it is not thier fault. They know it won;t be easy for have a career in sports ,one mahinder singh dhoni for the whole of jharkhand is not practical .. some do make it . .but the numbers are too few for people to beleive in reasonable bets . .

This post was started a few days back but was lying in the draft mode ,hence the mention of the gold , more important things came up after that .. Saw the plight of Bihar once again in the news over and over again , floods again . .and this time much worse than before . .Don't know who to blame but it hurts to know that we are touted as one of the most growing economies in the world and we dont have the basic infrastructure to take care of such natural disasters.. Guess this should have been the foundation we shoudl have started with , sending the satellites to moon could have waited ..I hate cribbing about my country cause anywhere in the world you could be, but thats one place you will really belong .. and i want to get back some day , to a life I wanted .
The odds seems to be getting against it , with every passing day. It is not that I have started having issues with India's infrastructure or politics or even pollution over night , i really do not care about any of this , cause having spent 28 years has equipped me to handle all this pretty well and 2-3 years outside cant change it .. What I am not comfortable with is the intolerance level thats growing day by day in the country . .we were making progress .. . the caste system was abolished but at the same time the religious differences grew , the moment we started getting a handle on that .. we are facing a new monster .. REGIONALISM .. and being a bihari or a jharkhandi , it is more troublesome . .we will not find the kind of jobs we need in bihar/jharkhand and every other place in India has a problem with us . .not fair. .i mean noone gets a job cause he is bihari , he gets one cause he /she proved himself on a stage that was open to everyone .. Actually it is tougher to compete , when you are not on your home ground and we almost always have to do that .. This is one thing that makes me think twice .. on why i want to get back . .I dont have the liberty to live and work in everyplace i might want .. and it is my country while i can .. I dont have any restrictions here nor am I discriminated against . .maybe some people are but I personally havent been to this point .. Even if people dont like me , they wont threaten me to go back , probably show it by a facial gesture , so what would you choose. .
Not that I have given up hopes on getting back ,i t is very much on the agenda .. just that , the process gets delayed with every single thing that creates doubts in your mind ..
Enuf for today . .will get back soon

UNCERTAINITY -THE ONLY CERTAINITY IN LIFE

When we start talking about life from a philosophical perspective , more often than not , something is going wrong with us ,maybe the ability to introspect comes at a price .. Was happy to see one of my friends being happy about good things coming his way in life and him taking the time to acknowledge and thank god for the same. Anyways last few days have been eye openers in the real sense of the word, about how things can change when you least expect them to , my optimism doesn't let me believe any change is ever for the bad, but at the same time , change is unsettling . I mean a small thing as moving apartments makes me resentful so imagine how tough it might be to change the entire life course. To be at home when you used to work , to wait for a visa..to wait on countless other things. I mean the person here in this position at this time wasn't supposed to be me but it is , and it really isnt as bad as it sounds but it is definitely one of the most frustrating experiences in my life so far. I mean its tough waiting on something you have no clue of , and it more weird cause you tend to plan your life far ahead on the basis of a stream of events. And the moment one event is missed, a lot falls out of line . And that requires massive re planning..which otherwise is a good intellectual activity but a tough one when you have just seen one set of u r plans not working out. You kind of lose the enthusiasm to plan and start looking at negative side of plans , if they dont work any which way why even take the effort to make them . But then things do settle down , just takes some time and patience is a virtue i have been trying to develop these days. On the good news front, the cold winter days in New York has given way to much more pleasant spring days, the winds are not that harsh any more and life seems to be peeping out of unexpected quarters. It is relaxing to just get out of the house without over coats and boots and mufflers and the like...to want to stay out to enjoy the weather , a welcome change from just a few days back when the moment you were out , you wanted to get somewhere and fast.

Change

She woke from a dream, or was it a nightmare , the memories were too faint for her to decide right away but she did have a weird feeling that she had been somewhere unknown and was back . Was it really a different world where she had been for had she forgotten the place she lived. Which was real and which was unreal was a question she was struggling with , it had all seemed so real , the landscapes, the people the life , even the streets and the lampposts. She tried opening her eyes wider than she would normally to observe the world around her ..the trees in her dream had changed to buildings , lots and lots of them and they seemed taller than ever before . Was it possible for a non living thing to grow or was her mind playing tricks on her yet again? Has to me my mind, she tried looking around for people, and she did see lots of them . The skin tones had changed and it again confused her, cause some had got lighter than she had been used to and some had grown darker. She reasoned she was now in a totally different place and things change with the latitudes and longitudes , just that she never thot people around her would and now they had changed too. She hadnt even comprehended this change completly when there was a strong gust of wing blowing past her, and it was again strange to her. Wind back home was warmer and comforting , and this wind brought a chilly feeling with it. She could feel the cold seep to the inner veins in her body and that temporarily shocked her but the resilient soul she was , she came to terms with that sooner than later. After a while the winds couldn't effect her, not the way they would have liked . At best they made her void of feelings but the cold still couldn't get across. It gave her a kind of momentary pleasure to know there was something she has won over, but it didn't last long. She seemed lost again and in the vast universe around her felt she was all by herself.. she wondered what she ever did for a living , did she work , she had a strong feeling she did but cudnt remember when or what. Why did her whole life change so fast she wondered aloud. Was it fair ,she seemed to be asking the one watching her from far far away and the only presence she could still recognize in this new world. and then she saw a smiling face , another one she could recognize and had some semblance of hope , that she was still somewhere safe ..She didn't get a answer to her question but he did smile when she mentioned change..it was like giving her a clue cause he was too busy to answer her queries in detail. It stuck her , she had just been the next in the line on the long queue of people waiting for "change" and change had picked her up. and taken her with him to a new world . And the only conditions were , she wud have to leave everything but herself behind and it would take a lot of courage and she had agreed. It was just time now that would prove to her that things had changed for good and that is how life could move on and guess it was time that was playing games for the time being...